The Bestest Soren Fanfic EVAR
by Psychoswordlady
Summary: [Parodyfic] AN EPIC FANFIC MANEUVER! Follow Soren as he finds out HE'S NOT GAY and travels the roads of love with Ilyana, Lethe, and many more! Plus he becomes a successful rap artist! [Rated for language and themes, may go up. Chapter Two UP!]
1. Ike, I Need Hooters

teh best Soren fanfic EVAR

Note: ...okay, this is a parody for real. I saw this topic on GFaqs that pissed me off a little. A bunch of nublets were trying to bet on whether Soren got a chick to hook up with. ...Come on. n00bs, all of them. Soren likes either Ike or no one. SorenStefan just isn't cool--Soren refuses him "to be by Ike's side". (I quote the Japanese version, which I translated parts of. I also translated IkeSoren from the Japanese. NoA took out a lot of Soren's polite nature, and made him less clingy, but judging by all the fangirls they didn't take it all out.) But despite how sweet IkeSoren was, people just can't seem to stop screwing it with their bad fanfics and cheesy fanart. Granted, I've seen a few decent things with IkeSoren, not including mine because I think mine sucked. And I've seen good fanart. But the majority of it is a pile of crap.

Anyway, if this offends you, go take your anger out on the GFaqs n00bs. They started it.

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Ike sat down next to Soren. "How are you today, sweetie-poo?"

"Just fine, sugarbuns. Except for the fact that you're the only person who likes me."

The mercenary cuddled the little mage. "Aww, Soren, I love you enough for fifty people."

"But it's not enough! I'm still slightly suicidal, and I'm still missing my favorite Good Charlotte album. Woe and angst is me!"

"But Soren, love will cheer you up! At least it said so in that crap romance novel I read with the suicidal prostitute and the drug dealer pimp."

Soren clung to the swordsman. "Okay. I believe you."

They sat there for a while, with Soren listening to Ike's heartbeat and thinking mushy thoughts. Ike sneezed. Soren slapped him. So Ike repressed his sneezes and killed a few brain cells. Because holding your sneezes in does that to you.

"Ike. I just thought of something I needed to tell you."

"What is it, Soren?"

"Ike, I'm leaving you."

"W... What?! Why?!" Ike clung to the mage tighter. "But we said forever!"

Soren looked dismayed. "Ike, I just can't be with you anymore."

"Give me a reason, Soren... please..."

The raven-haired boy took a deep breath. "Ike, I need hooters."

Ike's stare went blank. "...Hooters?"

"Yeah. You know... boobs. Those things on a girl. That's why I can't be with you. You don't have them."

"That's a stupid reason."

"Too bad, Ike. I like girls."

"But...! You slept with me!"

Soren sighed. "I was drunk, Ike. What do you expect me to do when a certain mercenary captain laces my Kool-Aid with Jack Daniels?"

"For the record, it was Jose Cuervo."

"WhatEVER!" shouted Soren. "I was drunk to begin with. Whatever the case, I'm leaving."

"But... Soren, I... thought you were... kind of... um... gay...?"

"What would make you think that?!" yelled Soren, stuffing his lacy pink underwear into his bag. "I'm as straight as can be. Goodbye, Ike. I hope Oliver rapes you."

A few seconds passed. "Yeah, well... screw you too." But to Ike's dismay, our favorite young magician was already out the door and on the road.


	2. Emo Wangsta, Yo Yo Yo

teh bestest Soren fanfic EVAR: Chapter 2! Emo Wangsta, Yo Yo Yo

Summary: OMG this chapter is soooo funny!!! Soren gets a GIRLFRIEND!!! Isn't that just so AWESOME? Oh, and he has a career change You'll see! Hehehehehehehe (n00bish evil laugh)

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Soren was walking along the path and singing some song about how glad he was that he was full of woe, angst and self-mutilating thoughts. With his realization that he was straight, he instantly became BADASS. Even though he really was more of a loser than before, but somehow singing songs about women's eyeliner made you cool.

"La lala lala, angst, woe, self-mutilation, la lala lala, crawling in my skin, la lala lala, need to buy a new X-acto knife so I can slit my wrists and die..." he sang in a broken, childish voice. He tripped over something. "OH MY GOD A DEAD BODY!!!"

When he was done cowering in fear, he stood up and stared at the "corpse". Really it was just some lavender-haired girl passed out from low blood sugar from not eating her seventh meal today. But Soren didn't know that.

"Hey... are you okay? I know you're not dead. Come on, I'll help you up." He grabbed the girl's wrist and yanked her up, which was an amazing feat for a 93-pound weakling, seeing as she weighed more than he did. But he was UBER SOREN, so he was not bound by the laws of physics.

The girl slowly opened her purple eyes. "...unnh..."

"Are you okay?" he repeated. "You don't look so good."

A horrible groan escaped the girl. "...food..."

"Huh...?"

Before he could protest, though, the girl had fallen to the ground once more and had begun trying to eat Soren's big toe.

"H-Hey, what's the big idea, stupid?! Get off! That's not food!"

With that, she promptly stopped, and stood up again. Her stare was blank, and her mouth hung open. "Can I... eat now...?!"

"...You must be starved. I'll buy lunch for us."

"Fooooooooood," repeated the girl.

So our hero walked down the path with his new girlfriend and changed his song from slitting his wrists and crying so much he ruined his makeup to one of being broke due to scantily clad "hoes and bitches" taking his money. He even took out a Yankees cap and stuck it on his head backwards, slung his silver chain bookmark that had been his anniversary present to Ike (really a rather useless gift since Ike never read anything, but he intended to "borrow" it from him) around his neck, and undid the belt of his shorts (yes, he wore shorts under that dress, since he's not gay anymore) so they hung somewhere around mid-thigh. He stopped singing and started rapping, thinking he was cool even though he was a skinny little pasty white kid walking along a path with pink flowers all around it alongside a low-blood-sugar-induced-comatose girl in a tiny skirt.

"Yo yo yo, mofo-ass-bitch, anorexic ho took my money, hit that!" he rapped in his nerdy, childish, not-gangsta voice.

Soon they came to the nearest inn, called for mysterious reasons the "Royal Rainbow". Soren pushed the door open and dragged his lavender-haired companion in.

"Haaaaaa-aay," called the bartender. "Ooh, my, both of you are soooo cute. Want something, honeys?"

"Um... okay. Scotch on the rocks for me, and... uhh... make her a sandwich," asked Soren, pointing to the drooling girl whose head was leaned so far backwards over the back of the chair she must have whiplash by now.

"Oh, my, aren't you a little young?" asked the magenta-haired man. "You look... you know... twelve."

The mage glared. "I'm 18, thank you very much. Did they raise the drinking age again?"

The bartender laughed. "Nah. Here you go, sweetcheeks."

So Soren got really drunk. And Ilyana ate so much that she snapped out of her coma. Then she got drunk too. Then stuff happened in the restroom. Then they got more drunk, so much so that the bartender began to worry.

"Umm... sir, you might want to... you know... stop... What exactly have you been doing all this time in the bathroom?"

"I assed some smacks..." he said, completely drunken and unintelligible.

"...You did WHAT?"

"and gucked some firl..."

The bartender's expression grew horrified as he figured out what Soren was saying through his drunken stupor. "You... with a GIRL?! T-That's disgusting!"

Every other man in the bar turned to Soren and stared at him in disgust. "Ewwww, a NONKE!" they said in Fanpanese. Which means "breeder" in Japanese. If you didn't know.

And then someone near the back shouted, "Commie!" So Soren was promptly thrown out of the Royal Rainbow with his new girlfriend. Though, he was too drunk to care, or even remember. So he rolled around on the ground for a while, accidentally spit up on Ilyana's foot, and fell asleep in a pool of his own sick.

He even ruined his new Yankees cap. Fo' shizzle, wangsta.


End file.
